Taran, a regular 3CT commenter, has brought to my attention how similar the previous post ("Apocry-phun!") is to an old Woody Allen bit of prose called "The Scrolls" which originally appeared in The New Republic in 1975, then in his compilation book "Without Feathers" a few years later. I wasn't able to admit this to myself until I re-read it tonight. It is still extremely funny. Taran and I were college friends, so he knew me when I was reading all that stuff, soaking it in, and in no small way trying to incorporate it into the stuff
I was writing. Well, I guess some habits die hard. Without even realizing it, I have once again co-opted the patented Woody inflection, then shamelessly accepted the praise as my own.
I couldn't find the original article online, so here, today, I will reprint (without permission) excerpts. In this way you can judge for yourself the extent to which I have nothing to call my own.
"Scholars will recall that several years ago a shepherd, wandering the Gulf of Aqaba, stumbled upon a cave containing several large clay jars and also two tickets to the ice show. Inside the jars were discovered six parchment scrolls with ancient incomprehensible writing which the shepherd, in his ignorance, sold to the museum for $750,000 apiece.
"Archeologists originally set the date of the scrolls at 4000 B.C., or just after the massacre of the Israelites by their benefactors. The writing is a mixture of Sumerian, Aramaic, and Babylonian and seems to have been done by either one man over a long period of time, or several men who shared the same suit. The authenticity of the scrolls is currently in great doubt, particularly since the word 'Oldsmobile' appears several times in the text. Still excavationist A.H. Bauer has noted that even though the fragments seem totally fraudulent, this is probably the greatest archeological find in history with the exception of the recovery of his cuff links from a tomb in Jerusalem. The following are the translated fragments.
"ONE... And the Lord made an bet with Satan to test Job's loyalty and the Lord, for no apparent reason to Job, smote him on the head and again on the ear and pushed him into an thick sauce so as to make Job sitcky and vile and then He slew a tenth part of Job's kine and Job calleth out: 'Why doth thou slay my kine? Kine are hard to come by. Now I am short kine and I'm not even sure what kine are.' And the Lord produced two stone tablets and snapped them closed on Job's nose. And when Job's wife saw this she wept and the Lord sent an angel of mercy who anointed her head with a polo mallet and of the ten plagues, the Lord sent one through six, inclusive, and Job was sore and his wife angry and she rent her garment and then raised the rent but refused to paint. and soon Job's pastures dried up and his tongue cleaved to the roof of his mouth so he could not pronounce the word frankincense without getting big laughs."
"TWO... And Abraham awoke in the middle of the night and said to his only son, Isaac, 'I have had an dream where the voice of the Lord sayeth that I must sacrifice my only son, so put your pants on.' And Isaac trembled and said, 'So what did you say? I mean when He brought this whole thing up?' 'What am I going to say? I'm standing there at two a.m. in my underwear with the Creator of the Universe. Should I argue?' 'Well, did he say why he wants me sacrificed?' Isaac asked his father. 'The faithful do not question. Now let's go because I have a heavy day tomorrow.'"
And there's lots more after that, but you can clearly see my sin. I can only say in my defense that at least I've stolen from a master, whose writing I greatly admire -- and who himself stole from his own hero, S. J. Perelman. The difference is, Woody never apologized, whereas I am begging your forgiveness for my transgression.
Taran, a regular 3CT commenter, has brought to my attention how similar the previous post ("Apocry-phun!") is to an old Woody Allen bit of prose called "The Scrolls" which originally appeared in The New Republic in 1975, then in his compilation book "Without Feathers" a few years later. I wasn't able to admit this to myself until I re-read it tonight. It is still extremely funny. Taran and I were college friends, so he knew me when I was reading all that stuff, soaking it in, and in no small way trying to incorporate it into the stuff
I was writing. Well, I guess some habits die hard. Without even realizing it, I have once again co-opted the patented Woody inflection, then shamelessly accepted the praise as my own.
I couldn't find the original article online, so here, today, I will reprint (without permission) excerpts. In this way you can judge for yourself the extent to which I have nothing to call my own.
"Scholars will recall that several years ago a shepherd, wandering the Gulf of Aqaba, stumbled upon a cave containing several large clay jars and also two tickets to the ice show. Inside the jars were discovered six parchment scrolls with ancient incomprehensible writing which the shepherd, in his ignorance, sold to the museum for $750,000 apiece.
"Archeologists originally set the date of the scrolls at 4000 B.C., or just after the massacre of the Israelites by their benefactors. The writing is a mixture of Sumerian, Aramaic, and Babylonian and seems to have been done by either one man over a long period of time, or several men who shared the same suit. The authenticity of the scrolls is currently in great doubt, particularly since the word 'Oldsmobile' appears several times in the text. Still excavationist A.H. Bauer has noted that even though the fragments seem totally fraudulent, this is probably the greatest archeological find in history with the exception of the recovery of his cuff links from a tomb in Jerusalem. The following are the translated fragments.
"ONE... And the Lord made an bet with Satan to test Job's loyalty and the Lord, for no apparent reason to Job, smote him on the head and again on the ear and pushed him into an thick sauce so as to make Job sitcky and vile and then He slew a tenth part of Job's kine and Job calleth out: 'Why doth thou slay my kine? Kine are hard to come by. Now I am short kine and I'm not even sure what kine are.' And the Lord produced two stone tablets and snapped them closed on Job's nose. And when Job's wife saw this she wept and the Lord sent an angel of mercy who anointed her head with a polo mallet and of the ten plagues, the Lord sent one through six, inclusive, and Job was sore and his wife angry and she rent her garment and then raised the rent but refused to paint. and soon Job's pastures dried up and his tongue cleaved to the roof of his mouth so he could not pronounce the word frankincense without getting big laughs."
"TWO... And Abraham awoke in the middle of the night and said to his only son, Isaac, 'I have had an dream where the voice of the Lord sayeth that I must sacrifice my only son, so put your pants on.' And Isaac trembled and said, 'So what did you say? I mean when He brought this whole thing up?' 'What am I going to say? I'm standing there at two a.m. in my underwear with the Creator of the Universe. Should I argue?' 'Well, did he say why he wants me sacrificed?' Isaac asked his father. 'The faithful do not question. Now let's go because I have a heavy day tomorrow.'"
And there's lots more after that, but you can clearly see my sin. I can only say in my defense that at least I've stolen from a master, whose writing I greatly admire -- and who himself stole from his own hero, S. J. Perelman. The difference is, Woody never apologized, whereas I am begging your forgiveness for my transgression.
Bobby exceeds Woody, I say. This stuff is so dated and random that... well, it just doesn't strike me as THAT funny. I prefer reading my friends.
Posted by: Jiff | Apr 10, 2006 at 08:49 AM
Also, I don't like Jews.
Posted by: Jiff | Apr 10, 2006 at 08:49 AM
Ohhh Jiff. Don't say that. (Are you trying to get back on the good side of the Muslims that Bobby alienated?)
Bobby you can now rightfully take your place next to one of my other great heroes: Doris Kearns Goodwin.
Posted by: Taran (male) | Apr 10, 2006 at 10:17 AM
Bobby, you and Taran (male) have stumbled across something that Jorge Luis Borges, and Miguel Cervantes happened upon before you...you are in fine company. Perhaps this is too serious for this site, but for those interested, here is Borges' story (translated) confronting this very post-modern phenomenon:
http://web.archive.org/web/20041109092837/http://www.english.swt.edu/cohen_p/avant-garde/Literature/Borges/Menard.html
Posted by: Bartolo | Apr 10, 2006 at 10:46 AM
*Don't let Jiff fool you. He slept with his VHS copy of Yentl for two years.
*Taran: Wasn't that the woman I saw all over NBC the night of the '00 election returns? And what's her connection, pray tell, to my unoriginality?
Posted by: bobby | Apr 10, 2006 at 10:48 AM
Bartolo: No, not too serious for this site... Too *done*! I said all of that, almost word for word, at a church sponsored roller skating party in 1991. Always come to me first, Bartolo. Always.
Posted by: bobby | Apr 10, 2006 at 10:56 AM
I have little to add here, except to say that I can rightly appreciate Woody's piece...very funny to me. However, I find Bobby's equally enjoyable in a different way, and it doesn't take a thing away from his piece.
Posted by: Tim | Apr 10, 2006 at 12:43 PM
Tim, your comment was almost a dirty limerick.
Posted by: bobby | Apr 10, 2006 at 01:02 PM
You're right...it's totally nast.
Come to think of it, this post has a lot in common with the Old Office versus the New Office.
I like your Pam to Woody's Dawn.
Posted by: Tim | Apr 10, 2006 at 01:19 PM
Not to get into it again, but you're saying you like Pam *better* than Dawn? I thought Dawn really had a lot of pathos and believability. Those secret stares Tim-ward were so real. Pam, zero. (I think I just got into it again.)
Posted by: bobby | Apr 10, 2006 at 02:54 PM
Bartolo- There is a tendency for grad students to see their dissertation in everything. I am glad to see you moving into lock step conformity with the rest of us.
Bobby-You are correct about Doris Kearns Goodwin. She (who while a recent grad shared a bed with LBJ) also recently confessed to a charge of plagiarism. But her latest book is doing well and all seems forgiven. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doris_Kearns_Goodwin
Posted by: Taran | Apr 13, 2006 at 01:39 PM
Taran: That's one of the most audacious parentheticals in recent memory. Imagine, bedded by LBJ? Him, putting a spin on Great Society. Her, giving him that nickname.
Posted by: bobby | Apr 13, 2006 at 03:20 PM
Bobby, let me offer some small comfort from the Good Book: Ecclesiastes 1:9-10
[9]What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. [10] Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. (NIV)
Posted by: foos | Apr 15, 2006 at 12:13 PM
Foos,
Wow, actually quoting the Bible around here? No one else has ever down that. (Even if it was from that heretic Qoheleth!)
Posted by: Taran | Apr 15, 2006 at 02:30 PM
Hello
Very nice work, admin! Have advised. It is healthy.
G'night
Posted by: likopinko | Sep 10, 2007 at 10:51 AM
A non-sequitur we can ALL be proud of.
Posted by: bobby | Sep 10, 2007 at 11:07 AM
Let's hear it for simple Italian machines!
Posted by: Jif | Sep 10, 2007 at 11:30 AM