« August 2008 | Main | October 2008 »
September 2008
Iranian president speaks out against America, Imodium. (TS)
UNITED NATIONS (3CT) - Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the U.N. General Assembly Tuesday declaring that "the American empire" is nearing collapse and should end its military involvement in other countries. He also highlighted the difficulties surrounding the current packaging of the anti-diarrhea medication Imodium.™
Ahmadinejad said terrorism is spreading quickly in Afghanistan while "the occupiers" are still in Iraq nearly six years after Saddam Hussein was ousted from power in Iraq.
"American empire in the world is reaching the end of its road, and its next rulers must limit their interference to their own borders," Ahmadinejad said. “It is not unlike the interference I encounter when I attempt to open the blister packaging found in this very unyielding medicine.”
He accused the U.S. of starting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to win votes in elections and blamed a "few bullying powers" for trying to undermine Iran's nuclear program. He also accused Johnson & Johnson, makers of the popular over-the-counter medication, of poor package design.
“When you open the box, the much-needed caplets are sealed in a series of plastic squares and lined with foil. When you push down on a caplet to force it through the foil, nothing happens. The plastic seal is simply indestructible. I cannot speak for others, but I do not have the time or inclination to wrestle with tamper-proof packaging. I have diarrhea. Time is of the essence.”
Ahmadinejad's hardline rhetoric came as no surprise and offered little in the way of compromise at the U.N., where he faces a new round of sanctions if no agreement is reached on limiting Iran's nuclear capabilities.
"A few bullying powers have sought to put hurdles in the way of the peaceful nuclear activities of the Iranian nation by exerting political and economic pressures against Iran," he said. “Much like the pressures I feel when faced with the prospect of opening a package of Imodium.™ You are forced to twist the plastic in two, right at a perforated edge. But if your grasp is just a few millimeters off, you’ve ruined the square and now only a pair of scissors and the patience of Allah (praise be to him) will allow you to recover the necessary prescription hidden within.
Like a surgeon in the operating room, you must cut around the pill, through razor-sharp plastic (Watch your fingers!). And don’t cut too closely or you will split the pill in two, or worse, crush it completely. I tell you, the infidels at Johnson & Johnson have some explaining to do.”
Ahmadinejad also lashed out at Israel on Tuesday, accusing "a small but deceitful number of people called Zionists ... (of) dominating an important portion of the financial and monetary centers as well as the political decision-making centers of some European countries and the U.S."
"The Zionist regime is on a definite slope to collapse, and there is no way for it to get out of the cesspool created by itself and its supporters," Ahmadinejad said. “Just as one might create a cesspool of one’s own, should the proper medication not be taken in a timely manner. For, you see, once I finally am able to obtain the recommended dosage from its accursed containers, I am just as apt to drop it on the floor--those pills are microscopic! And do not get me started on searching for them once you have dropped them on the floor of your kitchen. I spent seven whole minutes Tuesday night on my hands in the knees, peering around the linoleum for one of the pills, before I saw it hiding in the space between the fridge and the oven.
It took my best spatula to push the pill back into the open. And then after washing the pill in the sink, it started to disintegrate into mush! Who do the Johnson & Johnson think they’re dealing with?”
Ahmadinejad’s speech came just hours after President Bush made his eighth and final appearance before the U.N. General Assembly, urging the international community to stand firm against the nuclear ambitions of Iran and North Korea.
"A few nations, regimes like Syria and Iran, continue to sponsor terror," Bush said. "Yet their numbers are growing fewer, and they're growing more isolated from the world. As the 21st century unfolds, some may be tempted to assume that the threat has receded. This would be comforting. It would be wrong."
At one point during Bush's 22-minute speech, Ahmadinejad turned to Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki and gave a thumb's down, before excusing himself to visit the men’s room.
Story developing…
Financial Disaster Blamed On Wimpy (BH)
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, in the midst of orchestrating a monumental government effort to bail out the country's floundering financial markets, pinned the blame for the disasterous collapse on Wimpy.
Paulson and others, including Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, claim the depth of the country's financial woes can be traced to a single source, Wimpy's hundreds of thousands of unfulfilled promises to pay for today's hamburger with Tuesday's capital.
"The impact of one hamburger not being paid for is minuscule, effecting a single contract of deferred money for goods today," explained Bernanke. "But the supremely irresponsible, overextending fiscal habits of Mr. Wimpy, compounded across several hundred hamburger sellers, over the course of his lifetime, well... you can see exactly what effect that is having."
Said Paulson, "We're having to pump in hundreds of billions of dollars, trying to rescue the country from a complete meltdown of our financial system, and it's all because of this man's catastrophic cheapness. We're working with Federal law enforcement in efforts to capture, prosecute, and incarcerate Wimpy."
"The financial security of all Americans depends on our ability to restore America to a sound footing," he said. "And to wipe Wimpy off the grid."
Developing...
Methinks She Crammed Too Good (BH)
The following excerpts are from ABC's exclusive interview with Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, conducted by "World News" anchor Charlie Gibson.
GIBSON: When I asked John McCain about your national security credentials, he cited the fact that you have commanded the Alaskan National Guard and that Alaska is close to Russia. Are those sufficient credentials?
PALIN: Let me speak specifically about a credential that I do bring to this table, Charlie, and that's with the energy independence that I've been working on for all these years as the governor of Alaska, a state which not only produces nearly 20 percent of the U.S. domestic supply of energy, but also was purchased from the Russian Empire, so... A transaction, by the way, that was completed on March 30, 1867, for $7.2 million dollars, at 2 cents per acre, a total sum which equates to approximately $360 million in 2008 dollars... And, Charlie, did you know it is one of only two states not bordered by another state, the other one of which is Hawaii--
GIBSON: Did you ever travel outside the country prior to your trip to Kuwait and Germany last year?
PALIN: Yes, Canada, Mexico, and then, yes, that trip to visit our troops in Kuwait and stop and visit our injured soldiers in Germany. That was the trip of a lifetime and it changed my life... Not unlike the very popular book I read on the plane back from the Convention last week, one that many other Americans have read and enjoyed across this great United States, called The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini, which tells the story of Amir, a boy from the Wazir Akvar Khan district of Kabul, who is haunted by the guilt of betraying his childhood friend Hassan... Can I say, I especially gravitated toward the themes in the book. For instance, one of the themes in The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini is the resiliancy of the human spirit. This theme, Charlie, is manifested by the fact that even though Amir has committed these sins against Hassan, the inner strength that he had all along -- but thought was somehow missing from his character -- breaks through to allow him to find Sohrab and free him from the clutches of Assef, another important character in the book. I mean, Charlie, I really felt like I was IN Afghanistan while I was reading the first five chapters of this incredible book.
GIBSON: You said recently, in your old church, "Our national leaders are sending U.S. soldiers on a task that is from God." Are we fighting a holy war?
PALIN: The reference there is a repeat of some of the words of Abraham Lincoln, who ruled as our sixteenth President, from the year 1860 to the year 1865, who was speculated to have Marfan's Syndrome, a congenital disease in which the bones of the human body continue growing well into middle age, and beyond, when he said -- let us not pray that God is on our side in a war, but let us pray that we are on God's side of war with radical Islamic terrorism, the greatest threat to our peace at home and security abroad in the world.
GIBSON: I take your point about Lincoln's words, but you went on and said, "There is a plan and it is God's plan."
PALIN: I believe that there is a plan for this world and that plan for this world is for good for this world. I believe that in my religion of Protestantism, there is plenty of room for believing in God's plan as well as the inalienable right of every American to pursue life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Other religions of the world, Charlie, include Catholicism, Muslimism, Communism, and Zoroastrianism, all of which are supported by John McCain, a former POW.
GIBSON: Governor, can you look the country in the eye and say "I have the experience to be not just vice president, but perhaps president of the United States of America?"
PALIN: I do, Charlie, and on January 20, when John McCain and I are sworn in, if we are so privileged to be elected to serve this country, we'll be ready. I'm ready... I'm as ready as that 17-mile long Hadron Supercollider over in Europe that I read about this morning in my daily New York Times. I understand it is a technological marvel built by physicists and engineers, and described as heralding the next revolution in our understanding of the unviverse. I think I'm a lot like that Supercollider, too, because when I'm at full power, I will inject trillions of protons into the otherwise empty track of our broken government at speeds exeeding ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine percent of the speed of light, cycling Washington eleven thousand times in a single second.
Portions of this interview were not televised.
JORTS/BUSH 08
This is either a weird convention speech, or a bizarre blind date.
GOP USES DELOREAN TO KICK OFF CONVENTION (JD)
This looks like America's First Lady from today is meeting America's First Lady from 2050.
Recent Posts
- THEY'RE THE SAME GUY (JD)
- WHAT JORTS WAS DOING TWENTY YEARS AGO (JD)
- Behold: BRONSON (TS)
- This September...two new trainwrecks come to ABC! (TS)
- JFK SPEECH (JD)
- BOZ SCAGGS ALTERNATE TITLES (JD)
- Lyrics to Five Hall & Oates Hits in Prose Form (John Oates’ lyrics only) (JD)
- Sha-mon Let Us Worship and Bow Down (JD)
- BIRTH OF JORTS (JD)
- Friday Caption Contest! (TS)
Recent Comments