A Customer Message from John Stumpf, President and CEO, Wells Fargo & Company (BH)

To our customers:

I’m sure you have heard the news. Wachovia is now part of Wells Fargo & Company. We’re very excited about combining our two companies because together we want to be able to provide you even more convenience, value and service than you’ve ever had before.

Together, Wells Fargo and Wachovia create the nation’s premier coast–to–coast financial services presence – approximately 280,000 team members, 48 million customers, 11,000 stores in 39 states and the District of Columbia, 12,000 ATMs, $1.4 trillion in assets, and $774 billion in deposits. We are proud to announce we have successfully absorbed one another’s financial capital to create the most high profile harbinger of massive economic doom ever conceived by thinking men.  By joining our businesses as one, we can ensure that our inevitable collapse will create the most widespread economic death imaginable.  And we’ll do it efficiently.  But this is not about being the biggest mistake this side of Eden, when mankind sank to the level of the snake with a single taste of forbidden knowledge. This is about being better. Better for our communities. Better for our shareholders.  Better for you.

As we integrate our two companies, it will mostly be business as usual for our customers. That is, until that day, and it will come, when you want to withdraw a twenty to purchase ice cream with your daughter, and you can’t because, to your weeping-eyed astonishment, you discover that the meltdown has already begun.  Then, gripping your child closely, you witness in horror those institutions which once provided social stability -- government, church, marriage -- topple one-by-one into the sea, leaving a spiritual vacuum in the hearts of men that can only be sated by un-premeditated murder and consumption of your neighbors amidst an ashen landscape of unspeakable human grief.  Until that time, however, please continue using your Wells Fargo bank accounts, credit cards, ATM/check cards, checks, and your regular banking office as you normally would.  And during this historic transition, please enjoy our latest benefit. Announcing: Wells Fargo and Wachovia customers can now use over 12,000 ATMs with no access fees.  It’s the least we can do before everything that you’ve ever known of comfort is buried in the rubble of an unstoppable, all-consuming global catastrophe, begun by our hand.

There are many more exciting developments to come that can provide you with even greater value and convenience. We’ll keep you well informed about changes that might affect you, until, of course, we can't, because all forms of mass communication have been silenced by the engulfing flames of white-pure heavenly judgment.

Thank you for your support and for your business.

Sincerely,

John Stumpf
President and CEO

Wells Fargo & Company

Comments

[Tim]

Aww yeah...Bobby brings it in the New Year!

Especially liked "Then, gripping your child closely, you witness in horror..."

[Jif]

This makes me sad because it seems so dang true.

It's like Cormac McCarthy got the CEO job.

As I always say... Vintage Bobby. Way to go. I'll be rereading many times.

[pepe guzman]

this is why i visit

[Tim]

Me too, Pepe. Me too.