3CT's Guide to Nailing Your Next Interview (TS)

With the economy on an upswing and unemployment reaching record lows, job seekers are in serious demand as companies compete for top talent.  Still, experts agree that even the savviest of candidates can blow their chances with a bad first interview. Here are some practical tips to keep in mind the next time you find yourself in a job interview. 

• Always come to an interview showered and cleanly shaven. Barring that, a clean T-shirt and a splash of English Leather can go a long way.
• Never arrive at an interview empty handed.  Consider bringing a gift for your potential boss.  We recommend a colorful sombrero, a dozen eggs or a nine iron.
• During the initial part of the interview, you and the interview are getting to know each other.  Try to ask good questions, like how she got that scar on her chin.
• Making personal calls during the interview is always considered bad form. (Tip: We suggest text messaging instead)
• Racial epithets used for shock value are never a good idea in an interview.  Unless you sense the interviewer agrees with your White Power leanings. (Tip: On a similar note, if the interviewer is a person of color, best not to wear that double-breasted suit made from a Confederate flag)
• During your interview, playful touching of your chest or groin region can be used to convey a casual, friendly tone. It can also get you to third base, if you know what we mean. 
• Clipping one’s toenails during an interview is no longer considered “appropriate interview behavior.”  If you’re looking for something to keep your hands occupied during your interview, try buttering an English muffin or working on card tricks.  (Tip: Most potential employers WILL have English muffins and butter on hand, but won’t offer unless asked)
• If the interview seems to be lacking in energy, try livening things up with an impromptu game of touch football (Tip: Never challenge the interviewer to a footrace, unless they're in a wheelchair or on crutches)
• According to leading Human Resources consultants, boomboxes are no longer considered acceptable in interviews.  (Tip: Be sure to bring headphones and a stack of your favorite CDs)
• It's best to arrive at an interview prepared to give examples of instances in which you saved your previous employer money.  Like the time on that business trip to Omaha when you used the company credit card to order the $150 escort as opposed to the $200 version.
• Sexual advances are never appropriate during an interview.  Unless you’re for sure that they want it, and want it bad.
• When the interviewer asks you what you’re looking to make in your next position, stick to what the experts recommend: Lean forward and in a low, raspy voice, say “Queer is as queer does.”
• Finally, if the interviewer does offer you the job, be prepared to offer him or her champagne from your briefcase. (Tip: Consider memorizing your toast ahead of time)

Comments

[bobby]

* Subliminal cues can affectively convey your feelings. When the interviewer is listing your job duties, cough/whisper the words "you and what army" after each description.

* Your potential new employer favors a self-motivator. Tell him you got up early this morning and built a miniature mountain in the living room with mud and trash.

* H.R. people can get nervous before an interview too. Offer to give him/her a backrub or, depending on their schedule, a Dirty Sanchez.

* When the interviewer says he would never lowball you, stand up like a shot, cry "well then what's the point?" and slam the door on your way out.

* Employers secretly enjoy pop culture references. Pepper your answers with phrases like "that's hot," "kiss my grits," and "yippee-kai-yay mother *$#@%!"

[Jif]

Tim,

This is clean! Effecient! A prime post!

Man, the photo captions got me... real good. A-holes and "the other side of town." Wow.

WELL DONE. I shall read and reread in the days to come.

jd

[foos]

Oh, yes, an English muffin w/ butter -- I'll use that in DC.

[MOL Junior]

looks like the convention served you well.

p.s. nice picture of hope davis.

[Tim]

Bobby, where's that post?

[bobby]

You callin' me out?! But the shunt's not due out for another week.

[bobby]

Tim, in re-reading this, I'm struck by how Steve Martin it is. It's the straight face against the pitch perfect absurdity. I'm saying Yes to this one all over again.

[Jiff]

Three and a half years later... and this gem still holds up. I love it.