The Miracles Of Elijah, If Today (BH)

ELIJAH INCREASES A DIVORCED WOMAN'S TOILETRIES

1 KINGS 17:8 And the word of the Lord came unto Elijah, saying, 9 Arise, drive thee to Prescott, Arizona, to dwell for a time: behold, I have commanded a divorced single mother there to sustain thee.  10 So he arose and drove to Prescott, Arizona, and when he got off the Montezuma St. exit, behold, the divorced single mother was there, selling oranges in ten pound mesh bags: and he called to her, and said, hop in, and take me to thy place, that I might rest there, for I am beat.  11 And when they had arrived, and he had dwelt in the bathroom for unto thirty-five minutes, he did suddenly cry, and poked his head out and said unto the divorced single mother, You're out of paper.  12 And she said, As the Lord thy God liveth, I have not a roll in the whole house.  Maybe some napkins?  13 And he said, Bring unto me the napkins, and another issue of The Economist, for I will still be awhile. 14 At sundown, Elijah emerged, saying, For thy generosity thou shalt never be without paper again.  Look: 15 And she did look, and her bathroom cabinet was stocked deeply with full rolls, and she did weep and bent to touch the hem of his garment, and she said, Surely this is the work of the Lord thy God, and he said, Yep. 16 And she did see that the supply never ran out, that even as one was used it did replenish itself, as did, she noticed over time, the anti-bacterial soap and the Q-Tips.

ELIJAH HEALS THE DIVORCED WOMAN'S SON OF THE INTERNET

1 KINGS 17:17 And it came to pass, that the son of the divorced single mother, Sean, fell ill from lack of foods, as he had spent most of the day on stickam.com, a youth-geared chat space, and had become listless and did not hear the voice of the woman, his mother.  18 And she said unto Elijah, What have I to do with thee, O thou man of God? art thou come unto me to call my sin to remembrance, and to consign my son to eternal laziness with these incredible wastes of time?  19 And he said unto her, Give me thy son.  And he took Sean out of the boy's bedroom and laid him across the living room couch.  20 And he cried unto the Lord, and said, O Lord my God, hast thou also brought evil upon the divorced single mother with whom I sojourn, by giving her son over to his friends ltsgetcrzy2nite and prtyboy184?  21  And he stretched himself upon the boy three times, and cried unto the Lord, and said, O Lord my God, I pray thee, let this child's soul come into him again!  22 And the Lord heard the voice of Elijah, and the boy was revived again, and he, Sean, did shake off Elijah and said, Eww, get off me old man!  Sick!  23 And the boy did make a case with social services to have himself removed from his mother's home, and Elijah did just make it out of jurisdiction with minutes to spare.

ELIJAH FED IN THE WILDERNESS OUTSIDE PRESCOTT, ARIZONA

1 KINGS 19:4  And Elijah went a day's journey into the wilderness outside Prescott, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. 5 And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat.  6 And he looked, and, behold there was a half-pound beef patty on the grill, and a sixty-four ounce Coke at his head.  And he did eat and drink, and laid down again, for about an hour while that digested.  7 And the angel of the Lord came again a second time, and pulled out the prophet's ear buds, and said, Arise and eat; 8 and he arose, and realized he had not seen the potato salad, no, nor even the tangerine jello, nor the S'mores.  And he did eat, and laid down again, for he was stuffed.  9 And the angel of the Lord said unto Elijah, No, no, don't worry, I'll clean up, you just lay there, while I do all the work.

ELIJAH TAKEN UP INTO HEAVEN IN A JETPACK

2 KINGS 2:1 And it came to pass, when the Lord would take Elijah up into heaven, that Elijah went with his doubles partner Elisha from Gilgal, and they went down to Bethel together for a tournament there.  2 And fifty of the sons of the prophets joined them there and did root them on, even into the third round.  And Elijah took his complimentary Bethel Tourney '07 beach towel, and went unto the fountain in the center of the complex, and smote the waters, for no apparant reason, 3 and they were divided hither and thither, so that the two children of the tournament director, in their best outfits for the tv cameras, were drenched. 4 And Elijah said unto Elisha, Ooo, looks like I gotta beat it.  And Elisha said, What of the tournament; for we are in a sweet section of the draw? 5 And Elijah said, Forget it.  And Elisha said, Well, if you're just going to leave, I pray thee, let a double portion of your forehand racquet speed be upon me. 6 And he said, Thou hast asked a hard thing: nevertheless, it shall be so.  And it came to pass, as they hustled away from lens shot of the cameras, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a jet pack of silver, in the bushes, and Elijah did strap it on, saying, This is it, man.  7 And he pressed his thumbs on the buttons and rose upon the pillars of fire, and parted them both asunder.  8 And Elisha said, My Father, my Father, the jet pack of Isreal!  And Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven, and he saw him no more, and Elisha took hold of his Ben Sherman and rent it into two pieces.  9 He took up also the beach towel of Elijah that fell from him, and took up his racquet and found his wrist strength was doubled.  10 And he rose in the rankings ten fold, and the sons of the prophets came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him, but he did not bless them for he had already started dating Gisele Bündchen.

Comments

[Tim]

Wow. Bobby comes out of semi-retirement with one of my very favorites of the year.

Wow.

[stevie]

hear, hear. This kind of thing is just so so strong. Airtight, baby.

[the great spirit of pepe guzman]

this is the sort of biblical interpretation i can get behind. i think it is true to the spirit of the original text, no?

bobby. this was a great one. it blew my mind.

[thad]

Verily, verily I say unto thee: This is friggin' brilliant.

[Tim]

Posts like this are why I still come to this blog.

[Shane]

What a great way to start my work day - thanks, Bobby.

[Jif]

Oh wow, Oh wow. This was, true-to-form, great. The angel's response to the clean-up... "This is it, man."... the kid's response and the barely getting out of jurisdiction. Plus, the PHOTO CAPTIONS!

Vintage Bubs.

[bobby]

This completes my Pentateuch of Blasphemy. See also: "Things Paul is Glad He Edited Out of Ephesians", "Forgotten Laws of Leviticus", "Apocry-fun!", and "Paul's Letter to the Franchise Managers." I am available for denominational seminars and conventions.

[Tim]

And he said, Bring unto me the napkins, and another issue of The Economist, for I will still be awhile.

[jenny]

This is like Christmas!

[todd]

Who knew sacrilege could be so funny...

[Taran]

You OWN the biblical satire genre, just OWN it!!!!

Though it all derives from you know who.....

[bobby]

Jack Van Impe?

[Fish]

"Surely this is the work of the Lord thy God!" And he said, "Yep."

Freakin' perfect!

[Foos]

Brilliant! Has Tyndale asked you to serve as principal translator for the new NLT Teen Study Bible?

[bobby]

"And John saw the streets of gold and said, Yo, this place is on the shizzy!"

[Tim]

Bobby, I think Foos just gave you your next project.

[Jif]

In the NLT Teen Study Bible, every verse ends with a question mark.

[Tim]

Nice.

[Regan]

And Elisha said, My Father, my Father, the jet pack of Isreal!

Uncle Bobby, you leave a legacy of hope.
So good.

[MOL Junior]

yes yes yes yes always always always always always yes yes always always !!!

(ie opposite of norm drop)