3rd Chair Trombone: Groundhog Fails To See Dodge Shadow (BH)

The world's most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his hole this morning and was struck by a speeding Dodge Shadow, guaranteeing at least six more weeks of sagging car sales in the midst of the worst economic downturn in our lifetimes.

Phil, known across the world for successfully predicting weather patterns for much of late winter and into spring, was in critical condition after slipping from his handler's grasp and escaping into the surrounding woods. Panicked Gobbler's Knob bystanders and tourists joined official groundhog handlers in a six minute chase that ended when Phil darted into the early morning traffic on adjoining Colonel Drake Highway, and bounded headlong into the oncoming 1988 Dodge Shadow.

Legend says, if a groundhog is hit by a Dodge Shadow on February 2, the auto industry will suffer six more weeks of hemorrhaging sales numbers -- a blow in a typical year, but compounded by the current economic climate. If a groundhog successfully avoids the barreling auto, the industry will see a seasonal boost.

Charges are pending against the driver of the Shadow, Leon Macelway, himself an out-of-work auto mechanic. "It's my sister's car, she loaned me it. An' I'm sorry for that muss-cat, or whatever the hell yir callin' it, but he's gotta learn ta look where he's a-goin', hear me? Thing musta popped, what, some twenty odd feet in the air, poor little feller."

Phil remains in i.c.u. at the nearby William Wise Veterinary Clinic, where renowned co-prognosticator, Staten Island Chuck, is planning a midnight candlelight vigil and prayer. "He's the best there is," said Chuck, through his handlers. "He calls it like he sees it, even if it means his own horrible death."

February 2012