Groundhog Fails To See Dodge Shadow (BH)
The world's most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his hole this morning and was struck by a speeding Dodge Shadow, guaranteeing at least six more weeks of sagging car sales in the midst of the worst economic downturn in our lifetimes.
Phil, known across the world for successfully predicting weather patterns for much of late winter and into spring, was in critical condition after slipping from his handler's grasp and escaping into the surrounding woods. Panicked Gobbler's Knob bystanders and tourists joined official groundhog handlers in a six minute chase that ended when Phil darted into the early morning traffic on adjoining Colonel Drake Highway, and bounded headlong into the oncoming 1988 Dodge Shadow.
Legend says, if a groundhog is hit by a Dodge Shadow on February 2, the auto industry will suffer six more weeks of hemorrhaging sales numbers -- a blow in a typical year, but compounded by the current economic climate. If a groundhog successfully avoids the barreling auto, the industry will see a seasonal boost.
Charges are pending against the driver of the Shadow, Leon Macelway, himself an out-of-work auto mechanic. "It's my sister's car, she loaned me it. An' I'm sorry for that muss-cat, or whatever the hell yir callin' it, but he's gotta learn ta look where he's a-goin', hear me? Thing musta popped, what, some twenty odd feet in the air, poor little feller."
Phil remains in i.c.u. at the nearby William Wise Veterinary Clinic, where renowned co-prognosticator, Staten Island Chuck, is planning a midnight candlelight vigil and prayer. "He's the best there is," said Chuck, through his handlers. "He calls it like he sees it, even if it means his own horrible death."
PLEASE PRAY FOR THIRD CHAIR TROMBONE (JD)
PLEASE PRAY FOR MR. SPARKLES (JD)
Seems that the family in suburban Cincinnati couldn't keep him from the guns of Chicago forever...
BOZ SCAGGS ALTERNATE TITLES (JD)
Boz Scaggs' song, "Love, Look What You've Done to Me" was a chart-topping hit.
What other titles did Boz Scaggs consider using?
Love, Look What You Did All Over the Rug
Love, Look At the State of Your Life
Love, Look At Your Cell Phone Overages for the Month
Love, Look What I’m Doing With Your Toothbrush
Love, Look What I Found in Your Search History
Love, Look What I Did In The Guest Bathroom Toilet
Love, Look How Pandora Thinks You Like Toto
Love, Look At the Shame You’ve Caused Our Family
Love, Look How This Mole Has Changed
Love, Look Magazine Went Out Of Business In 1971
Love, Look How I Can Make My Hand Look Like A Butt
Love, Look At All the Deals Going on at Toyotathon 09!
Love, Look These Over And Give Me Your Report By Wednesday
Love, Look Out For that Black Guy!
Love, Look What You've Done To Terry Bradshaw
Love, Look... Complete Economic Recovery Will Take Time And Patience
Love, Look How Gay Gino Vanelli Looks On This Old Episode Of “Solid Gold”
Love, Look At Yourself In The Mirror And Tell Me That Sweater Isn’t a Mistake
Love, Look At What’s on the Bottom of my Feet After Taking a Whiz at the Waterpark
Love, Look Through These Photos And Tell Me If You See The Man Who Stole Your Fiero
Lyrics to Five Hall & Oates Hits in Prose Form (John Oates’ lyrics only) (JD)
Say It Isn’t So
Say, ooh, say it isn’t so, say, ooh, say it isn’t so, say, say, it isn’t so-oh-oh-oh, it isn’t so, no, it isn’t so-oh-oh-oh, it isn’t so, no, say, say, it isn’t so-oh-oh-oh, it isn’t so, no, it isn’t so-oh-oh-oh, it isn’t so, no, say, say it isn’t so, say, say it isn’t so, say, say it isn’t so, say, say it isn’t, so, say it isn’t, say it isn’t, say it isn’t, so, say it isn’t.
Kiss On My List
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la -la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, because your kiss, because your kiss, because your kiss is on my list, ahhhhhhhh, because your kiss, because your kiss, because your kiss is what I miss, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la -la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, because your kiss, because your kiss, because your kiss is what I miss, because your kiss, because your kiss, because your kiss is on my list, ahhhhhhhh, ahhhhhh, because your kiss, because your kiss, because your kiss is on my list, ahhhhh, ohhh, ohhh.
You Make My Dreams
Ooh, ooh, hoo, hoo, ooh, you, you-hoo, you-ooh, you make my dreams, you-ooh, ooh, ooh, hoo, hoo, ooh, you, you make my dreams, you-hoo, you-ooh, you-ooh, ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh, you-hoo, you-hoo, ooh, ooh, you, ooh, ooh, you make my dreams, you-hoo, you-hoo, ooh, ooh, you, ooh, ooh, you make my dreams, you-hoo, you-hoo, ooh, ooh, you, ooh, ooh, you make my dreams.
Private Eyes
Oooooooooooooooooh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, private eyes, watching you, every move, private eyes, they’re watching you, eye-ize, ooooooooooooooooooh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, private eyes, watching you, every move, private eyes, they’re watching you, eye-ize, private yes, watching you, every move, private eyes, they’re watching you, private eye-ize, private eye-ize, watching you, ahhhhhhh, private eyes, watching you, every move, private eyes, watching you, ahhhhhhhhh, private eyes, watching you, every move.
Maneater
Woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, watch out, woah-oh here she comes, she’s a maneater, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, watch out, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, she’s a maneater, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, woah-oh here she comes, watch out, woah-oh here she comes, she’s a maneater.
Sha-mon Let Us Worship and Bow Down (JD)
What songs will worship pastors at American churches use as praise songs this Sunday to pay tribute to our fallen idol?
Blame it on the Boogie: a call for personal responsibility in an age of moral blame-shifting
PYT: retelling of the Esther story
Ben: one Israelite tribe's quest for a homeland
Black and White: Noah's sons Ham and Japheth split
Human Nature: Calvin's doctrine of Original Sin
Say Say Say: how to talk people through the Roman Road using a Chick Tract
Bad: repentance
Don't Stop Till You Get Enough: the power of the flesh and its quest for carnal experience
Smooth Criminal: satan's origin and one man (Eddie)'s attempt at spiritual warfare
Off the Wall: Nehemiah, rebuilder
I Want You Back: Mary at the tomb
Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground): Pentecost
Rock With You: Peter's confession
Thriller: a chilling warning against dabbling in the occult
Never Can Say Goodbye: disciples' lament in the Upper Room
Beat It: the battle for sexual purity
Friday Caption Contest! (TS)
Come on, folks. It's been too long! We drove away readership before with our world famous Caption Contest -- let's do it again!
Please give us your best and brightest for this AP photo ripped from today's headlines. And good luck. We're all counting on you.
GUEST STARRING... (JD)
Saw this picture today on an old-time movies website. It's a still from 1940's "Thief of Baghdad." Look who had a cameo! (P.S. This still is untouched.)
NEW STAR TREK (JD)
I'm sure this is going to be good... but, I question the casting of Dr. McCoy.
ME AND JORTS, BARBADOS (JD)
After a ceremony in Iowa, we whisked ourselves away to Bridgetown. This is me, spying the sno-cone man. Jorts said no. What a grump!
The Omniscient Tattler for April 20, 2009 (TS)
Here's what you're thinking today in Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming:
"I wonder what all this looked like when the pioneers drove through here? Man, must have really been a sight to see back then."
--Henry Manworth
--Buddy Williams
--Jim Guiles
--Morrie Sanderson
--Ranger Andrew Nelson
--Bill Bozell
--Craig Leekers
"I am seriously getting laid at the park ranger cotillion formal tomorrow night."
--Ranger Phil Luchinski
--Tom Norman
--Donald Chen
--Wendy Pulcheski
--Mary Dennison
--Zander Thomas
HAP GENTRY IS LOOKING FORWARD TO SUMMER MOVIES! (JD)
Hap Gentry
3867 Becker St.
Garage Apartment 4a
c/o Dr. and Mrs. Burke Gentry (my dad and mom)
Des Moines, IW 50304
HapGentryWantsToWriteScripts49@gmail.com
People in Hollywood
(for all the numbers on) Hollywood Avenue
Hollywood, CAL 90210
Today April 2009
To Whom It May Concern of the People Who Make Movies In Hollywood California (Not Hollywood Florida):
First off thanks for entertaining me all the time! You guys are all the best! I know I’m not always easy to entertain and sometimes i get sleepy when I try to watch three seasons of Bones on DVD in one night, but you keep going don’t you? I mean it, how do you do it? (You can write a letter back Hollywood, answering that question if you want.) You guys just keep coming with more newer shows and movies that I watch and sometimes rewatch when I forget that I’ve already seen them. Did I mention I write movies and tV shows too? I do a lot of the time. Maybe you’ve received some of my spec scripts (E.R., 24, Lost) (spec stands for speculation or spectacular depending on what you think of my scripts). By the way, Hollywood, if you did receive those scripts, I’m still waiting for your response on giving me a job. If you didn’t receive them, tell me and I’ll email you. Anyway, I digest. Let’s get back to the topic of you doing so good at entertaining me with everything.
They’re calling this summer the Summer of 2009 and I can’t hardly wait on it! Why are you may be asking? Because of all of the great movies that your’e going to make for me to see that’s why! Get ready because I’m going to see as many of them as I can afford using that $25 Cinemark gift card my Aunt Janice gave me for Easter (minus $4.95 I spent off of it for a box of Sugar Babies one day when I got hungry on the way home from work). I’m gonna spend my summer in the dark! And not just as night! But I mean sitting in a movie theater watching movies! (Unless I go to the Cinemark in Glenwood, because sometimes they leave the lights on if it’s a kids movie but that’s okay.)
I can’t wait to tell you what I think about your Summer Movies so I’m going to! I haven’t seen these yet but these are the ones i’m thinking might be good for me to see some time if they play in my town (I can’t see the artsy ones because Des Moines doesn’t have an arthouse movie theater, but they did show Crank 2 so maybe there’s hope.) Here it goes!
Fast and/& Furious
I already saw this on video at my sister’s old boyfriends house. I guess this is a remake with the same actors or just a “re-re-lease”. Either way I’m in because I like cars and since I take the bus alot this is kind of movie “gets my motor running” (I told you I’m a writer see!).
The Hanna Ray Cyrus Movie
She’s a real cutey pie. I used to watch her when our cable box broke and we only got the Disney channel for a month. I know the show is for kids, but I figured out pretty early on that Hanna Montana and Hanna Cyrus were the same person so some of the PUNCH was taken out of it for me, but I’d still go see this movie. (Glenwood Cinemark would definitely leave the lights on for this one, but I’d just wear my sunglasses.)
Wolverine
Another remake! That’s okay because I loved the first three times they remade this one. It stars Hew Jackman (but you know that Hollywood because you made it!) and he’s so ripply with muscles that I want to go to the gym and get a membership and then go work out there. I think this remake is about finding out where he got his spikes from and how he turns into Freddie Kruger. But I may be wrong. I try not to watch the trailers because I’m afraid of “spoilers” which are scenes that are for adults only.
Star Trek
I think George Lucas has done it again! This remake though is all done with TEENAGERS! I think this is a great idea and is a lot like my spec script for a movie I want you (Hollywood) to make that’s a re-do of 1984's "City Heat" except with ONLY KIDS. Also, the film crew would only be kids! Maybe next Summer, huh?
Angles and Demons
I remember reading about this book at the bookstore on a sign. It’s a re-make of the Davinchi Codes which was a big hit movie starring Tom Hanks (playing the same character he plaid in Saving Private Ryan). This time he’s becoming the pope and even though I’m not Catholic (I don’t like how communion tastes) this is one I’d “convert” on over to the Cinemark to “worship.” (Writing!)
Terminators Salvation
Another religious movie. This remake is all about how a Terminator became Mayor of Your Fine State of California I think. It stars Batman as a guy who has to save the world from being destroyed after Armageddon. I read a internet rumor that said he may be a robot in the end but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for him to cuss out his crew. (This would NOT work on my "City Heat" With Kids re-make because kids can’t hear that kind of language without getting upset. I know because well let’s put it this way, don’t “borrow your dad’s car to run over a fire hydrant when your nine years old and also spill Hi-C drink box juice all over the radio.”) Terminators is directed by Mick Gee.
Night of the Museum at the Smithsonian: 2
I always promised myself when I was fifteen that if Robin Williams kept making movies I would keep seeing them. So this is one I have to see cause I SO want to. Also, did I tell you about my spec script for Robin Williams making a guest appearance on “House, D.R.” where he plays Patch Addams? Remind me to tell you about it when you invite me out there for my meeting.
Up
Pizar’s done it again with another great website for a movie! Hot on the heals of “Shark’s Tale,” Pizar gets ready to make a million dollars by making an adult movie for kids! That’s one thing I like to do in the summertime: sit in a theater and relax with a movie that's just for kids and is totally spoiler-free. And with a medium Code Red Mountain Dew/Sprite suicide mix.
Harry Potters and the One Where Somebody Important Dies (I’m not saying WHO it IS!)
When this movie comes out I want to go “ride my broom” and see it. I won’t have to ask my “Weedgie Board” if I should -- it’ll say YES NOW! I’m going to “wiz”(ard) in my pants I’ll be so excited about seeing it! (This is the kind of stuff I write in comedy spec movies scripts and also in drama ones when some of the “tension” needs to be “let go of” so the audience can “have a break” from all that “drama”.) Also, they should turn these Harry Potters movies into books so I can read all about them when I’m not watching them.
Transformers Again
I’ll tell you a story Hollywood: when I was a kid, I used to play with little metal cars that I would take apart with a screwdriver and vice grips and then I would put them back together in the shape of robots. So there you go: I saved a lot of money by not buying Transformers. That doesn’t mean I won’t see this movie that I hear is a “re-boot” of the original that came out last year. This time, though, I hear there’s a girl-car and some of the boy cars “spoil” her. R-rated for sure!
Well! The Enteraintment Weekly at Dr. Reynold’s office that’s the Summer Movie Preview had half of the July and all of the August pages ripped out of it so that’s all the movies I can tell you about how I excited I am for!
Hollywood, seriously, thanks a lot for what you do for me, for us, and for our country. We owe you a det of gratitude that’s bigger than the national det. Trillions.
So, take this letter and just pin it up on the breakroom bulletin board so everyone can know that at least one guy here in America likes what you guys are up to. Also, so everyone in Hollywood can know that I still have my spec scripts and one of them is a new one for that Bones show that I watch on DVD at night when my folks let me use their LCD-HD-TV tv.
Gotta go cause the letter’s over. Let me know if I can send you more stuff.
Sincerly to whom it may concern:
Hap Gentry
Guest Poster (A Cricket)
Chirp... chirp. Chirp. Chirp... chirp... chirp.
Presidential Spotlight '09 (BH)
There's never been a better time to be President of the United States. Gut-punching fiscal paralysis, blood-curdling climatic threats, rising nuclear states, potential global catastrophes of one sort or another at every turn. There are so many ways a president can be remembered today, simply by presiding during a time of such unparalleled soul-crushing desperation. It almost seems unfair. So it is my honor to pay homage to one not so lucky. Someone who led the nation through less perilous times. Someone, in short, doomed to be forgotten, were it not for me, today. So take a moment, won't you please, and remember with me the inimitably forgettable administration of:
CHESTER A. ARTHUR
Nobody wanted the guaranteed-to-be-dull oval office of the early 1880s. The excitement of the Civil War was fifteen years gone, the field day of post-war, Reconstruction era turbulence was shutting down in favor of the mundanity of westward expansion and general economic security, and every presidential hopeful knew the real possibilities wouldn't arrive until the following decades, with the advent of cruel sixteen-hour work days and wider dalliances with bloody international conflicts. No, the 1881 to 1885 slot was the kiss of death, historically, with little in the way of national misery to leverage into political greatness.
So all politicians laid low, hoping to repel attention away from any possible consideration for the highest office. However, nobody worked harder to avoid the presidency than Chester A. Arthur. He did everything that was expected of him, never changing course, nor flouting authority, lest his challenges be read as the required will to power of a man destined for leadership on the national stage. Instead, he blended in with the rest of his graduating class, aspiring to teaching positions, perhaps taking the bar, occasionally accepting posts as the Quartermaster General of the State of New York. But even as Arthur was slowly absorbed into the machinery that was the Republican party, he refused to contradict the dark impulses of its leadership, for fear of calling attention to his own potential leadership skills.
Arthur's fortune rose considerably when newly elected President James Garfield offered, and he accepted, the office of vice-president, the most negligible job in the land, virtually guaranteeing an eight-year wave of welcome anonymity that would drop him on the doorstep of the more promising '90s. Thus, he contented himself to ride out the dry years under the cloak of high-profile invisibility. Little did he know the intensity of President Garfield's own disgust with his new role as leader of the dullest decade to that point in American history, a self-immolating hatred that drove him to successfully mastermind his own assassination. Less than a year into his presidency, Garfield lay in decline, a bullet in his body, and sweet freedom from Executive ennui only a last gasp away. When death finally arrived, it was up to the begrudging President Arthur to bring color to the hopeless gray of the decade.
Despite his strenuous efforts, Arthur failed. Burdened by the lack of any general domestic unrest to radicalize, or any foreign bloviations to sensationalize, he turned inward, to his own party. To the indignation of the Republicans, the onetime saluting toady at the Port of New York became, as President, a champion of civil service reform. Once a squawking defender of the corrupt spoils system, the reborn Chester Arthur pulled the reformers to his bosom. Surely this would spark a fury that would lead to worker riots that he would then have to send in troops to stamp out, thus ensuring the necessity of bringing his name up often in future history classes. It did not. All it gave him was a small dust-up and the sleep-inducing Pendleton Act.
Desperate for any opportunity to manufacture historically significant conflict and strain, Arthur turned to the dead horses of lowered tariff rates and immigration law. Non-starters both, and with the end of his first term looming, he decided to go his predecessor's route, and off himself. But lacking the courage to arrange his own murder, he instead crafted a story of having contracted an incurable kidney disease. Perhaps, he thought, the outpouring of heartfelt well-wishes from the country would catapult him into the hall of beloved presidents. The plan backfired when he lost his party's nomination for reelection and the following year died of an actual incurable kidney disease.
Today, Chester A. Arthur is best remembered for being "that president named Chester". The greatest insult to Arthur's tireless stabs at historical relevance came from publisher Alexander K. McClure, who recalled, "No man ever entered the Presidency so profoundly and widely distrusted, and no one ever retired... more generally respected." A dusty epitaph for the dustiest of forgotten administrations.
For more information on Chester A. Arthur, please visit your local library and get distracted for three hours reading a year's worth of plastic-bound Entertainment Weeklies.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner Makes A Pass At Your Wife (BH)
Hi. Sorry, is this seat taken? Oh, you're waiting for your husband to meet you here-- That's okay, I won't be but a minute. What does he do? Oh, really, the entire region. Nice. Pulling in a pretty penny? That's cool. What, me? I'm over at the White House. Treasury Secretary. Yeah, it's going okay. Hey, so my name's Tim, what's yours? Wow, that's my mother's name.
Say, I was thinking, can I get you a drink while you wait? No, it's not a problem. I mean, no, you can interpret it that way if you want. I'm not about to sit here and deny I'm a big promoter of the free market system. I believe that acquiring the goods and services we desire should be free of government intervention and regulation -- you know, nobody looking over your shoulder. Uh-huh, sure... exactly! I'm glad you see it my way. Property rights, like yours and mine, are voluntarily exchanged, at a price arranged solely by the mutual consent of sellers and buyers. So it's totally up to you, but just know, this one's on me.
You will have one? Great. Bartender, an apple martini for the lady. Nothing for me.
Wow, I'm so glad I met you. You seem really nice. Anyone ever tell you you look just like Erin Burnett? Oh, you don't watch CNBC? Well, you're easily as pretty as she is. I think it's the jawline. I love a good jawline. You don't know it, but you've really helped me come to terms with some decisions I've made recently, you know -- down at the office. No, some of the guys have been really coming down on me, saying I'm appeasing too many people while letting too many good initiatives go... What's that? Oh, it gets a little complicated to explain, especially in a hotel bar, right? Let's keep it light, you know? Just let me say this. Looking at you now, here by the complimentary dessert bar, makes me really want to promote government involvement in specific sectors of your economy. Did I just say what? No, you're -- I'm just -- sorry, just rattling stuff off here, don't mean anything by it. Just that I'm thinking about a very large, but short term stimulus package, aimed at seizing all of your bad assets until -- Oh, no, don't get up -- this wouldn't be forever -- You'd be returned to private control as soon as possible. It's not meant to be permanent, trust me. It's more for the sake of shareholder confidence. Some might call it a bailout, some a handout. But I call it our way of helping the banks to loosen up, and to stop being so tight with what they have, follow me?, and to start giving it up to those around them who might really and truly need it, tonight.
C'mon, don't go, give a guy a break! I'm just trying to boost my aggregate demand... Have a heart, this is a depression! -- What'd I say? Come back!
...I know, Bartender. I'll clean it up. What's that? Right, "looks like I got voted down in both chambers." Hardy har. Stick to the drinks, will you, pal.
CAPTION CALL (JD)
This is a still from the most popular film in theaters this weekend. Please caption it.
Can Someone Please Tell Me How The Play Ended? (BH)
My fellow citizens,
At this utmost occasion, whereupon the celebration of my two-hundredth birthday is betaken with the humblest gratitude, I am greatly pleased in returning these, your most honorable praises, rooted, as they are, in that which you have found to be meritorious and magnanimous in my life's working. That you have bestowed upon me the highest of honors, that is, to have placed me in the regents hall of great and sober leaders; that you have afixed me for-ever, with always-burgeoning admiration, among the realm of the highest public servants of our bountiful nation; then it is my unction and duty to admit that I know not how to repay such unbidden love.
Now, as you are certain to recall, though it is after those times many decades hence -- seven score and four years ago, to be precise -- I was shot whilst securing a night's repite in a darkened box at Ford's Theater, the embellishment presented being one titled, "Our American Cousin". Mary and I had just settled into the third act of the boistrous and joyful play, one which cast light upon the upperclass foibles of our British counterparts, as well as upon the lower classes of our own land.
I had only just heard this wicked line, spoken by the lead character --
"Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal—you sockdologizing old man-trap..."
-- Followed by the snappy report of a .44 caliber Derringer. And then all fell black.
There have surely been exceeding amounts of words dedicated to the melancholy state of my mind, consciously and unconsciously, throughout the length of my enbattled office; and as surely as the darkness prevailed, like a beast marauding across the land, so did the oppressive death dreams grip my waking days. But that black cloud was merely a pernicious abstraction upon comparison to the sharp interruption at that night's play, such as the one provided by Mr. Booth; commencing a severence of my suspended disbelief, a vicious act which worked to fully unmend my already perplexed and afflicted mind.
Know that I have purposely forborne any expression of my great need for closure on this subject up to this time, seeing it as a personal predilection and idiosyncrasy not mentionable in polite company. But now, this hour, as the bicentennial mark even now falls across my brow, I would be much obliged of your kindness, and much aggrieved of your delay, to tell me, then, upon your honor, how did the play end?
I am very truly
Your obedient servant
A. LINCOLN
Christian Bale Mad Lib (BH)
Christian Bale: Am I going to walk around and rip your [adjective] lights down in the middle of a scene? Then why the [noun] are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the [tropical fruit] is it with you? What don't you [action verb] understand? You got any [ballpark food] idea about, hey, it's [WW2 ally] distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the [bodily function] scene? Give me a [superlative] answer! What don't you get about it?
Shane Hurlbut (the cinematographer): I was looking at the light.
Bale: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was [favorite childhood cereal] good, because it's useless now, isn't it?
Hurlbut: OK.
Bale: [a fish] sake man, you're amateur. McG, you got [80s hair band] something to say to this [tallest building in Chicago]?
McG (the director): I didn't see it happen.
Bale: Well, somebody should be [favorite Brothers & Sisters character] watching and keeping an eye on him.
McG: Fair enough.
Bale: It's the second time that he doesn't give a [name brand kitchen appliance] about what is going on in front of the camera, all right? I'm trying to [Hamlet soliloquy] do a scene here, and I am going "Why the [feminine item of clothing] is Shane walking in there? What is he doing there?" Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you're doing that?
Hurlbut: I absolutely apologise. I'm sorry, I did not mean anything by it.
Bale: Stay off the [Ben & Jerry's flavor] set man. For [beleaguered Steinbeck character] sake. Alright, let's go again.
McG: Let's just take a minute.
Bale: Let's not take a [sitcom catch phrase] minute, let's go again.
Hurlbut: I'm --
Bale: I'm going to [failed Obama nominee] kick your [serious illness] ass if you don't shut up for a second! All right?
Unknown voices: Christian, Christian. It's cool.
Bale: I'm going to go -- Do you want me to [Palin child] go trash your lights? Do you want me to [Rob Reiner movie] trash 'em? Then why are you trashing my scene?
Hurlbut: I'm not trying to trash your scene.
Bale: You are trashing my scene!
Hurlbut: Christian, I was only --
Bale: You do it one more [holiday sentiment] time and I ain't walking on this set if you're still hired. I'm [any teletubby] serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but that don't [old-timey prospector word of frustration] cut it when you're [Shane Hurlbut's mother's name, with -ing] around like this on set.
***
Groundhog Sees Shadow of the Vampire (BH)
The world's most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his hole this morning and saw Shadow of the Vampire, guaranteeing at least six more weeks of independently produced pet projects with limited mainstream appeal.
Phil, the renowned prognosticating rodent, typically rises from his underground lair on February 2 to offer weather predictions for the month of February and much of March, but instead seemed mesmerized by the 2000 film, which played silently on a spectator's iPod. According to superstition, the sighting assures there will be several more weeks of clever meta-narratives that rely heavily on niche familiarity while employing marketable actors to stir an ultimately unresponsive mass audience.
Responding with chirps and shudders to the sequence featuring Willem Defoe -- as actor and possible vampire Max Schreck -- killing and drinking the blood of the film's cinematographer, officials immediately declared we should prepare for a greater than normal number of festival-friendly movies in the coming weeks, along with a surge in dense, metaphysical tales of an individual's journey into self, and a more than usual concentration of quirk.
Legend says, if a groundhog sees Shadow of the Vampire on February 2 -- the Christian holiday of Candlemas -- the steady release of small, idiosyncratic films with big-named, indie-cred-seeking actors will last another six weeks. If no Shadow of the Vampire is seen, John Malkovich will be out of work for a year.
FDA WARNING (JD)
The FDA is alerting consumers to possible salmonella contamination in products made with peanuts from a Georgia peanut processing facility. A partial list:
*Keebler's Peanut Butter-flavored Elf Lotion
*Sara Lee’s Peanut Butter ‘n’ Salmon Croquettes
*Austin Quality Foods' Peanut Butter & Chocolate Lick-Mittens
*Cap’n Crunch w/ Peanut Butter-flavored Scurvy Balls
*The food-cart at the gravesite of George Washington Carver
*Peanut Butter Diet Dr. Pepper
*The Kennedy Clan’s "Homemade Peanut Buttah... for Sandwiches and Such"
*McDonald’s McDonaldland Nut Dust Cookies
*Dr. Scholl’s Peanut Butter Inserts
*Marvel Comics’ Spider-Man Issue #1412, “The Amazing Spider-Man vs. The Cost-Efficient Sack Lunch.”
*Nabisco’s Magical Peanut Butter Pants (all sizes)
*Honeybaked Hams’ Peanut Butter-dipped Half-Hock
*Jimmy Carter
*Smucker’s Peanut Butter-flavored Jelly
*Ace Hardware’s Bathroom Caulk & Sticky-Sweet Sandwich Spread
*Land ‘o’ Lakes Butter (may contain peanuts)
*Those cookies left over from the Christmas Party that Theresa put in the breakroom because she foolishly thought someone would eat them.
*Kenner’s Peano Bootrus, Bounty Hunter -- “Star Wars” action figure
*STP’s Peanut Butter Fuel Injector Cleaner
*FDA Jan 2009 Peanut Butter Salmonella Outbreak Warning PDF
*Taco Bell’s Mucho Macho Peanut Butter Crunch Grilled Stuft Burrito
*Planters’ 16 oz. jar of Mr. Peanut’s Diseased Right Eyes
*Dame Judi Dench’s All-Natural Peanut Butter Bath-Slather
*Reese’s Peanut Butter Athletic Cups
*Your lunch
Ex Khan (BH)
In loving memory of Mr. Roarke, who just took the plane, the plane to heaven, I give you this rehash of old 3CT goodness. Today, our shields are at half mast, and our phasers set on bummed.
http://3rdchairtrombone.typepad.com/my_weblog/2005/07/justice_khan_to.html
A Customer Message from John Stumpf, President and CEO, Wells Fargo & Company (BH)
To our customers: I’m sure you have heard the news. Wachovia is now part of Wells Fargo & Company. We’re very excited about combining our two companies because together we want to be able to provide you even more convenience, value and service than you’ve ever had before. Thank you for your support and for your business. Wells Fargo & Company
Together, Wells Fargo and Wachovia create the nation’s premier coast–to–coast financial services presence – approximately 280,000 team members, 48 million customers, 11,000 stores in 39 states and the District of Columbia, 12,000 ATMs, $1.4 trillion in assets, and $774 billion in deposits. We are proud to announce we have successfully absorbed one another’s financial capital to create the most high profile harbinger of massive economic doom ever conceived by thinking men. By joining our businesses as one, we can ensure that our inevitable collapse will create the most widespread economic death imaginable. And we’ll do it efficiently. But this is not about being the biggest mistake this side of Eden, when mankind sank to the level of the snake with a single taste of forbidden knowledge. This is about being better. Better for our communities. Better for our shareholders. Better for you.
As we integrate our two companies, it will mostly be business as usual for our customers. That is, until that day, and it will come, when you want to withdraw a twenty to purchase ice cream with your daughter, and you can’t because, to your weeping-eyed astonishment, you discover that the meltdown has already begun. Then, gripping your child closely, you witness in horror those institutions which once provided social stability -- government, church, marriage -- topple one-by-one into the sea, leaving a spiritual vacuum in the hearts of men that can only be sated by un-premeditated murder and consumption of your neighbors amidst an ashen landscape of unspeakable human grief. Until that time, however, please continue using your Wells Fargo bank accounts, credit cards, ATM/check cards, checks, and your regular banking office as you normally would. And during this historic transition, please enjoy our latest benefit. Announcing: Wells Fargo and Wachovia customers can now use over 12,000 ATMs with no access fees. It’s the least we can do before everything that you’ve ever known of comfort is buried in the rubble of an unstoppable, all-consuming global catastrophe, begun by our hand.
There are many more exciting developments to come that can provide you with even greater value and convenience. We’ll keep you well informed about changes that might affect you, until, of course, we can't, because all forms of mass communication have been silenced by the engulfing flames of white-pure heavenly judgment.
Sincerely,
John Stumpf
President and CEO
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA NOMINATES GREAT GAZOO AS SECRETARY OF HHS (JD)
CHICAGO -- Today, President-elect Barack Obama officially nominated The Great Gazoo as Secretary of Health and Human Services and named him the Director of a new White House Office on Health Care Reform. "The Great Gazoo's wisdom, insight and discretion has been vital to me and this transition team as we have sought a path towards bipartisanism and change. He's been invaluable. As we seek to repair this country's failing health care system, I can think of no one greater than Gazoo to helm this department as we face this challenge. Also, Gazoo oversaw similar reform on his home planet of Zatox until, of course, he accidentally created a doomsday machine. At this time, I will take a few questions. Wow... lot of hands...."
HISTORIC DAY (JD)
Today, in the Oval Office, President Bush and President-Elect Obama met with all of the living ex-presidents and Cookie Monster.
Spotlight on Failure: Unsuccessful James Bond Theme Songs (TS)
These include such notables as Duran Duran’s “A View to a Kill,” Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die,” Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better,” and “You Know My Name” written and performed by Chris Cornell for last year’s hit CASINO ROYALE. “Another Way to Die,” the Alicia Keys/Jack White song featured in the recent James Bond movie QUANTUM OF SOLACE, joins a long list of pop hits penned for the Bond series throughout the years.
But like the movies themselves, not every Bond theme song is a success.
Here now is an exclusive 3CT SPOTLIGHT ON FAILURE look at some of the more underwhelming 007 tunes and the artists who tried their best:
Afterglow with a Bullet
(Tina Turner)
You’ve Been Compromised
(Scorpions)
The Faster You Come, The Quicker You Die
(Spandau Ballet)
The Way You Kill Me (It Ain’t So Bad)
(Tammy Wynette)
I Love the Disease You’re Giving Me
(Sade)
Licensed to Touch You
(Gino Vanelli)
To East Germany with All Due Respect
(John Mellancamp)
Aw, Aw, Yeah, Yeah (The James Bond Song)
(P. Diddy featuring the Nairobi Catholic Boys Choir)
I’m Giving You a Secret (e)Mission
(R. Kelly)
Tiny Lady Dancing on the End of My Gun
(Al Jarreau)
On Her Magesty’s Secret Surface
(Korn)
(How About Another) Top Secret Submarine Jacuzzi Makeout
(Dr. Hook)
Spy Ain’t Need No Jimmy Hat
(Nas feat. Little John) What’s Up with All Those Kooky Spy Gadgets?
(Randy Newman)
Lambourghini Autobahn Chase Set Piece
(Depeche Mode)
The Microfilm’s in Her Lady Business, James Bond
(Wayne Newton)
UPDATE: MAGICAL SHOES THROWN AT LEADER OF FREE WORLD (JD)
Frustrated by his inability to change the course of human events, Stanley passes the shoes on to another.
I CAN DRAW! (JD)
Please enjoy my very first effort as a court sketch artist. It made the front page of MSNBC.com!
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